Closing the door on 2009

So 2009: Great things have happened-- big things too! But I haven't really reflected on them.

Now's the chance. Let's start on a less positive note and make it positive. Then move on to a success.

#1 Problem of 2009
Direction. Rather, a lack there of.

I graduated with my masters in December of 08, already working in the field I was working to be in. I took classes in the spring, but since I wasn't really working towards anything I didn't put all my energies towards them. I let things slip. While I walked out of the class with good grades, they didn't mean anything to me and I felt that I didn't get much out of the classes (because I didn't put much into it.

Solution in 2010
Set short and mid-term goals, reevaluate long-term goals, and strive to meet them this year.

Goals for 2010
Decide one way or another on if the PhD road is for me. No more flip-floppy waffle. Set a path and work towards it. I've learned enough about myself in 2009 that if I don't do this, I don't move forward. I stay in stasis and feel myself mold. So no more of this crap! Onward!

#1 Success of 2009
Becoming honest with myself and my loved ones.

If my lesson of 2008 was the need to not only oblige in reciprocity but expect it in return, 2009 has renewed my belief in honesty. Semi-secrets (rather, secrets that only existed in a fictional sense) had for so long pressured me and made me fear to be myself. As I approach my Saturn Return (29.5, slated for Nov. 2010) I'm done with false pretenses, or at least needless ones. The bull crap of keeping up appearances is no longer on my plate and everyone who has a problem with it can kiss my butt. :)

This honesty has removed such a weight off of me and I feel freer than I have since I was a kid. I had no idea how much of a toll pretending to be someone else, even in the half-assed way I did it, was taking on me. I feel better, stronger, and more comfortable with me as a result.

Honesty, builds on the idea of reciprocity from 2008. I accept and love people for who they are, so they are going to do the same for me. And if they won't I don't need them complicating my life.

Success for 2010
No clue.

The lessons I learn each year (oddly, normally in the summer months) sort of find their own way to me.

Minor Setbacks of 2009 and Ways Forward

2006 - 2008 I worked hard to get into shape. I lost a lot of weight, was working out regularly, did yoga, was careful what I put in my body and moderated my drinking. After my nearly deadly encounter with some Peruvian venom in 2008 my body was wrecked for a few months. Yet I never really got back on track... I started drinking a lot over the winter holiday of 2008 and I've let myself go. While it's only 10lbs on the scale, I can feel the muscle mass, stamina, flexibility, and overall sense of well-being and health have declined dramatically.

I'm currently seeing a chiropractor to get my back in alignment again and will use this new year and new decade to renew that commitment to myself. Maybe not to the nearly obsessive compulsive level I was BV (before venom) but that's for the best.

Either way, I feel like 2010 is gonna rock, hardcore. Hope you do to!

I'm so effing stoked!!

Musings, Misgivings, and a Creative Bug

I've been on a writing prompt kick lately. In that I write a few sentences that could one day prompt a richer story but seem to capture a mood in my head. I've been having a lot that seem to echo some odd, disturbed, childhood that wasn't entirely mine-- one that was mine as seen through a grim and macabre window with curtains that blur the lines of fantasy and reality. It's facinating. It's Edward Gorey meets Guillermo Del Toro. I wish I could write it as clearly as I feel it.

Life is well otherwise. There is my normal restlessness-- my friends (I.E. the two of you who actually might read this) know me well enough to know this dance. So it goes. We'll see where it goes but that's enough writing about it for now.

Here are some of my writing half thoughts. You've (you two people) have most likely already seen it on my facebook and twitter.

I am driving on flooded streets. For all the efforts of man, the forces of nature will always swell and overcome wall, roof, tower, and road to reclaim lost ground.

My facination with the twisted, demented, and macabre has not lessed with age; I've simply learned to hide it better with a practiced mask.

As a child, I lived in a state of terror-- held hostage by my imagination. Sometimes, I miss the purity of those emotions.

When I was little I was afraid of the monsters that lived under my bed and in my closet. No as I grown-up, I'm afraid of the monsters that live next door and what they might do to me.

Beware the man in the well. He will eat your name; catch it in his teeth and devour it whole.

The grass may be greener on the other wide, but in the end it all needs to be weeded and mowed.

Guiding Insights

A friend on livejournal does a 1 card balance card draw once a month. I've always been curious about them so I decided to ask for one. Here it is.

ljuser: haikujaguar 2009-07-06 12:17 pm (local) (link)

"You'd like one! And gave me no idea what it was about. So when I pull the Embrace I admit I am curious. This is the card that says: Throw yourself into life! Open your arms and take it all in! Good, bad, broken, ascendant, joy and sorrow, life in all its guises. Live it to the point of tears, good and bad. By no means must you push it away or hold it apart. You are no outsider to walk alone; you are no less human than anyone else.No isolation! No artificial alienation! Leap, engage, embrace!"

Not bad advice! I think I will.

I DEFINITELY threw myself into life this weekend. Overall a fantastic time. From the wild insanity of Thursday night to the lazy chilling and sangria of family dinner on Sunday, this was definitely a great weekend.

Honduras is not our business

Political leaders keep jumping up saying how the military coup in Honduras is wrong and the original president should be returned to power.

They need to butt out of shit that doesn't concern them. The three branches of government of Honduras say that the old president was acting illegally, that he was misusing government funds, abusing power, aiding drug trafficking, and attempting to remove re-election limits on the Honduran constitution with an illegal ballot that only his branch of government would have control over. The courts, the legislator, and the military all said no to him and yet he continued pushing so then they arrested him, removed him from office, and exiled him.

None of this is Chavez's business, Castro's business, or Obama's business. This was an internal act, done in accordance to Honduran law.

Chavez is a wind-bag that spouts bullshit non-stop. He hates not being the pretty princess of Latin America and is pissed off one of his flunkies and member of his "I'd rim Chavez if it would make him happy" club was removed from power.

Obama is trying to avoid the criticism he got from waiting too long to say anything about the situation in Iran. So he choosing to speak out against a banana republic trying to avoid become the next Venezuela instead of taking a stand against a possible nuclear power (Iran).

This is all stupid and making my life more difficult as I have student in Honduras.

This summer has sucked. Between student deaths, student anxiety attacks, partners not quoting my the right information / prices, swine flue in my region and threatening my programs, Survivor-esque games being played, and military coups this summer has made my shoulders become knots and my hair to go grayer. I'm over this shit.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090701/ap_on_re_la_am_ca/lt_honduras_coup

Trying to find a thread

My old blog has become a collection of links to my flickr and youtube account. Once, it used to be an actual blog- which would spiral into a series of non sequitur. I'm not sure what this blog will be, if anything at all.

I haven't really reflected in a long time. I've been so busy for the last few years that thinking about my life was never really something I did unless it was directly related to a school assignment. Even with my graduation in December and end of my research in May I haven't really stopped to think about anything. I'm not sure I really remember how but it's worth a shot.

I've spent so long moving towards a goal (getting degrees) that I'm not sure what to do now. I met my goal. I got the degrees. I never really thought passed grad school. My goal was getting the degrees not really doing something with them. So now that I'm done, I'm sort of trying to find another goal.

Still, even just going through the day to day at the moment is pretty alright. I'm enjoying it. Life is pretty good, even if I don't have a huge over arching goal.